The guiding principle of Six Ridiculous Questions is that life is filled with ridiculousness. And questions. That only by giving in to these truths may we hope to slip the surly bonds of reality and attain the higher consciousness we all crave. (Eh, not really, but it sounded good there for a minute.) It’s just. Who knows? The ridiculousness and question bits, I guess. Why six? Assonance, baby, assonance.

​1. Your life is going to change in one way and one way only. You are going to become a mythological beast with no hope of turning back into a human? What species would you choose? Why?

Does Medusa count? We have the same hair with the important difference that I am beautiful and only kill men by ignoring them.

So, why choose Medusa? You want to see what it’s like to be un-beautiful? You want to see what it’s like to kill men by not ignoring them?

You’re overthinking this. Guess you had to be there.

2. Do you think Chewbacca and Pikachu would understand each other without subtitles?

I’m Chewbacca and don’t understand a word you’re saying, you little Angry Bird-looking thing that kills people with that app of yours.  ​

OK, now this seems very unfair to me. Pikachu, if -chu I be, normally kills with energy bolts, not the Go app, and he doesn’t even kill. He wins battles. And the things he battles aren’t even really people, are they? They’re Pokemon. Wookies, on the other hand, are known for their savagery. (Seriously, it is known.) Speaking of Game of Thrones…do you think Khal Drogo is part Wookie? I see a resemblance, especially around the face and savagery areas.

People get killed wandering off cliffs with their apps. Evil. Khal Drago is sexy. I bet I shouldn’t think so out loud but I do. He’s no Wookie.

3. What is the worst movie you’ve ever seen and how would you change it to make it the best movie you’ve ever seen without expressly turning it into the best movie you’ve ever seen (a la, you can’t just say I’d turn Star Wars into Get Out)?

The worst movie I’ve ever seen is Waterworld and I would not change a thing. I love it.

File under Unexpected Answers. What do you think of Dances with Wolves and The Postman? I mean, since you brought up Kevin Costner. Feel free to comment on Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and Robin Hood, Men in Tights also.

Dances With Wolves is the height of colonial gumper. I loved The Postman when I saw it. There was a character named Lincoln Ford Mercury. The only part of Robin Hood I noticed was Alan Rickman. I know nothing of Men in Tights but it sounds hot.

4. Ego valets. Discuss.

I would love someone to dress and undress my ego professionally, as though it were a queen.

You win closest to the pin on the ego valet question. Must people are like, huh, what? But you understand how important it is to have your ego catered to, as a writer. So, if your ego is queen, what would that make your superego and id, respectively?

It goes like this: Queen, mother, maiden

Do you think your ego would be a good queen? A benevolent ruler as they say? Or, would it be more like Charlize Theron in Snow White and the Huntsman?

Charlize Theron in Mad Max.

5. Would you rather have a cat who could talk or a dog who could read and write?

My dogs can read and write.

Why do you hate cats?

Don’t get so defensive.

6. Are good and evil real?

​I’m and.

Now to pose the quasi-musical question your answer demands: Conjunction, Junction, What’s Your Function?

The function of Conjunction Junction is to help people understand conjunctions.

Finally, what was your favorite Schoolhouse Rock. Why?

I love that poor tired old bill on Capitol Hill. I’ve been enamored by law ever since.

Finally the Sequel, what new Schoolhouse Rock episodes do we need to get us through the time of Trump? Go.

You can have only one finally.

Dena Rash Guzman is the author of two books of poetry: Life Cycle and Joseph. She lives near Portland, Oregon.

Kurt Baumeister has written for Salon, Electric Literature, Guernica, The Weeklings, Entropy, The Nervous Breakdown, The Rumpus, The Good Men Project, and others. His debut novel, a satirical thriller entitled Pax Americana, was published by Stalking Horse Press in 2017. He is currently at work on a novel, The Book of Loki, and a hybrid collection of fiction, nonfiction, and poetry entitled Superman, the Seven Gods of Death, and the Need for Clean, Romantic Poetry. Find him on Facebook, Twitter, or at www.kurtbaumeister.com.

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