Boyfriend.
by Omari K. Chancellor

Paternity

Your boyfriend puts on a mustache and fedora then pretends to be your father.  You don’t find it very amusing.

You know, of course, that he’s not your father.  Your father doesn’t even wear hats.  Or have facial hair.  Plus, your father’s emotionally abusive.  But, then again, so is your boyfriend.  

Your boyfriend wears his costume on dinner dates, to the movies, and even at the dentist’s office.  He’ll say things like, “eat your vegetables young lady,” or, “Akhh, your mother would kill me if she knew I was taking you to see this.”  He’ll even wag his finger at you like one of those stern, sitcom dads.  He really gets a kick outta that one.

Most people just take it as some bizarre performance piece, while others find it quite charming that a man still takes his adult daughter out on the town.

Sometimes, you’re not sure if your having sex with your father or your boyfriend.

When he tells you about your vegetables you say, “you got it, pops.”  And you’re delighted by the conspiracy to see a movie against your mother’s wishes.  It makes you feel like you’re a government agent with a secret.

Last week, when your parents came to visit, you chastised your mother for bringing a date without asking.  He looks and speaks almost impossibly like the man who raised you.  How embarrassing.  For you, and your boyfriend who is your father.

Extremity

Your boyfriend has too many hands.

People think it must be pretty cool to be dating someone with so many hands.  Pretty sexy too.

But they have no idea the reality of your situation.

Yes, some days your boyfriend’s innumerable hands are sexy.  But most days, they are incredibly exhausting.

His bongo hands are always making a racket.  His carpentry hands leave sawdust everywhere.  And his heavy hands lack subtlety.

Frivolity  

Your dad with too many hands is so careless with money.

He’s always buying this, that, and the other.

And when the two of you are out on the town, he’s always picking up the check.

How generous of him.

Of course, your daddy with too many hands loves treating you.

He buys you the all the finest jewels, all the latest handbags.

Spending anything and everything he has on you.

All but his time.

Omari K. Chancellor is an actor, writer and comedian. He is a current student in the Graduate Acting Program at NYU Tisch School of the Arts.  His work has been featured in Brainwash, THIS Magazine and his sketches/plays have been developed at NYU and the Williamstown Theater Festival. He resides in New York City.

Image source: Josephine Bredehoft/Unsplash

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