I sometimes picture the peak of Northeast winters, from the season’s first snowfall until about late February, as a hearth beside which friends and family inevitably nest. You’d think you’d see less of these people in cruel weather, but I find it to be the opposite: we come together to huddle for warmth and get a bit fatter in dark and stormy conditions. Unlike me, the season’s cold rain caused Flaubert’s heart to “crumble into ruins”. But Flaubert seems to […]
Poetry in Motion: Highlights from Vol. 1 Brooklyn’s NFC-AFC Championship Live Blog
Welcome. Introducting our panel of annual analysts: Climp Bators (Pigskin Warthog Online Editor, statistician, sub-par husband) Lash St. Cower (Portland Daily Gazette columnist, senile ex-lover of Eartha Kitt) Rosalind Propecia (on-field interviewer, ESPN Chechnya) Cormac McCarthy (Pulitzer Prize-winning author of The Road and All the Pretty Horses, licensed misanthrope) Kegstands-X5 (sentient, artificially intelligent android sent from the future to discuss football) Peaches Malloy (three-time Pro Bowl running back, disgraced infomercial psychic)
Poetry in Motion: An Athlete’s New Year’s Resolutions
This is the year I stop thanking the wrong God for all of my victories, and start thanking that new God that I read about. This is the year that I stop being such a ball hog, and become a ball suckling pig.
Poetry in Motion: The 1st Annual Vol. 1 Brooklyn Sportsfolk of the Year Awards
BATTING .500 TEAM OF THE YEAR: North Korea. They conducted their third underground nuclear test, sure, but without the seasoned tutelage they’d come to know and love from Kim Jong-Il, 2013 was doomed to be a rebuilding year for the scrappy upstarts from the Paris of Totalitarianism. Like so many other countries this year, they let their guard down and let VICE take over the entire nation. Akin to the too-young Los Angeles Clippers, time will tell whether this nation […]
Poetry in Motion: Mike Tyson’s Bad Dreams
By age 20, Mike Tyson was not only boxing’s heavyweight champion, but the most dominant athlete of the 1980s. Not even the massive egos and grand stamina of Michael Jordan, Carl Lewis, or Rickey Henderson could deliver such a claim. He made his modest fighting height of 5’10” into a net positive, by employing a “peek-a-boo” technique of ducking extremely low in order to block opponents’ punches, and in his prime delivered his blows the way a typhoon delivers hydration: […]
Poetry in Motion: New Punishments for Richie Incognito
Article I: The National Football League (henceforth “the NFL”, “NFL”, and/or “the League”) decrees that in conjunction with his ongoing suspension from his active roster, Mr. Incognito shall serve one hundred (100) hours of community service as an employee of the Grufferson Retirement Palace in Myanmar, Florida. When asked by residents if he is their grandson, Mr. Incognito will be required to answer in the affirmative, even if he is not the grandson of the resident in question. If prompted, […]
Poetry in Motion: World Series Haiku
Cardinals bullpen. Youth’s flowing fountain runs deep, Like hot, fresh cheese fries. Sports bar bathroom reeks, Yet within: community. Bros pee, united. Love thy neighbor, dawg. Boston: The Pixies. Sam Adams. St. Lou: Jon Hamm. Busch.
Poetry in Motion: Vince McMahon and W.H. Auden Solve the Government Shutdown
The first thing that I’m reminded of when watching the Congress in crisis is my lifelong love of professional wrestling’s broad theatrics. Telling someone that you love wrestling is akin to what I expect it’s like to announce a foot fetish. Most recoil and wince, the rest ask if you prefer the big toe or the pinkie.