Poetry in Motion: The 9 Sports Books Coming in 2014 That Will Murder You if Not Purchased

Checkers: 5,000 Years of Blood, Concussions, and Mayhem
by T. Thaddeus Muffintop
(March 11; Piddle & Sons, $24.95)

Once thought a light-hearted romp of jumping and “Crowning”, the game of Checkers has in recent years revealed a dark side.  T. Thaddeus Muffintop (of the popular Grantland column “Butterscotch-Fueled Outrage”) goes undercover to reveal a underground culture within professional Checkers, rife with brutal thumb violence, narcotics inhaled off game boards, and one elite player’s deadly addiction to that other Checkers: the relatively-esteemed-but-still-pretty-disgusting fast food chain.

Colorful Contract Negotiations for Kidz
by Monica Gellar-Bing
(April 15; Custody Battle Press, $12.99)

Now children can stop being dumb and start getting professional, by having all the fun that adults do when filling out reams of bonus clauses and tax forms to secure big money contracts! Complete with twelve wacky stickers of sports super-agent Scott Boras and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban sharing a series of zany cartoon mishaps, this is one activity guide that’s ready for pre-school, the beach, or even a particularly imbecilic boardroom.

by Clint Allyall III
(May 27; Harper Hootenanny, $27.95)

Carburetor Carbonara? Omelets containing lug nuts, grated stick shift, and motor oil crème fraiche? A tire cooked for thirty-six hours in a sous-vide water bath? Sprint Cup champion Clint Allyall III takes sports dieting one step beyond, offering readers not merely the chance to eat like a NASCAR driver, but to eat the literal mechanical parts used to build and drive stock cars.

Neigh, Snort, Neigh: My Life
by I’ll Have Another
(June 3; Ponythoughts, $54.95)

The first known book written by a horse, and a much buzzed-about contender for a Pulitzer or PEN award. It’s a bouncy, smelly, and altogether eloquent ride, chronicling this magnificent creature from his humble beginnings (sleeping on a bed of hay), to his 2012 Kentucky Derby win and current retirement (sleeping atop the same hay, each straw now plated in literal gold).

Caged Obsessions: An MMA S&M Story
by Stab Guerrero
(July 22; UFC/Harlequin, $3.99)

The Stickiest Wicket
by Gwyntryvyre Tuft
(July 29; Crumbummers & Such, $6.71 at preorder)

With the phenomenal success of Jaci Burton’s “Play-by-Play” series of sports-themed Romance novels, a rapacious crop of imitative soon-to-be bestsellers can soon be yours. In Caged Obsessions, homoerotica reaches a sweaty new boiling point as mixed martial artists D.L. Sidebro and Claude St. Boner are contracted to a five-round battle on New Year’s Eve, only to find they’re falling hard for each other (and onto each other’s skulls). The Stickiest Wicket, the next big thing from socialite lady-husk Gwyntryvyre Tuft, brings us to that classier type of “gentleman’s club”: a cricket team. This steamy, passionate journey stars Cecily Pegasus, the drab-yet-desired new owner of the Sussex Sexsmiths (“the team that could not be tamed, because they didn’t want to be… yet”). A perfect confection, paired best with ice cream and tears.

Fuck Golf
by Earl “Tiger” Woods
(September 23; Shamed Flamingo, $14.99)

In a moving look back on a masterful career-in-progress, the world’s most famous clubsmith ponders life after retirement, chasing paparazzi off of his lawn, the rising cost of quality visors, and why you reporters with your questions can’t just be cool and let a guy do his thing. Sixteen inset color photographs further chronicle a sterling American athlete who’s just going some stuff right now.

Bait and Switch: The Bassmaster’s Guide to Common Sense, Balancing the Budget, and Destroying the Liberal Media Apartheid
by Dr. Horman Curds, P.H.D.
(October 7, FaithSauce, $78.99)

Comes packaged with one cleaned, gutted, and certifiably American bass fish wearing a flag pin jabbed through its eye.

Steroid Diary Redux: Finding God and the Path to Fewer Illegal Drugs
by Doogie Vein
(November 18; Winklevoss Media, $31.95)

Move over, Reggie Jackson (and assorted pumpkins): there’s a new Mr. October in town. We’re big fans of Doogie here at Vol. 1, having published an excerpt of his bestseller A Steroid Diary here last September.  Now Vein returns to celebrate life after a three hundred and twenty eight game suspension from Major League Baseball, as he pursues a fresh start as a traveling minister on his tour bus “The No Needle Express”, and finds new hope in his surprising knack for snake charming.  If you read one pandering attempt at career rehabilitation this year, make it this one!

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