KRISTEN ARNETT is the author of With Teeth: A Novel (Riverhead Books, 2021) and the NYT bestselling debut novel Mostly Dead Things (Tin House, 2019) which was a finalist for the Lambda Literary Award in fiction. She is a queer fiction and essay writer. She was awarded Ninth Letter‘s Literary Award in Fiction, has been a columnist for Literary Hub and is a current columnist for Catapult, and was a Spring 2020 Shearing Fellow at Black Mountain Institute. Her work has appeared at The New York Times, The Cut, Oprah Magazine, Guernica, Buzzfeed, McSweeneys, PBS Newshour, The Guardian, Salon, and elsewhere. Her next book (an untitled collection of short stories) will be published by Riverhead Books (Penguin Random House). She has a Masters in Library and Information Science from Florida State University and currently lives in Miami, Florida. You can find her on Twitter here.
Winning isn’t everything: it’s anything. Winning is whatever you want it to be, and that’s what makes it so good. You want it to be one of those post-game gumball-eyed ice cream bars with the gauzy melting heads shaped like the cartoon turtles? Be my guest. It won’t be me suckling Michelangelo’s ugly mug. My night’s only trophies will be enjoyed much later tonight, at the quarry, in my car: the remainder of a day-old roach and some graph paper […]
It bothers me a lot that you want to broadcast that you’re associating with racist billionaires. For what cavalcade of reasons? To begin: you’re probably better than this. You are, after all, an “artist, lover, writer, chef, poet, stylist, and philanthropist.” These are gigs that seemingly no one in world history has managed to balance. Most chefs are lousy lovers, unless your idea of passion is a sweaty Vivance addict who smells like lamb entrails withering on top of you […]
MANHATTAN – Anyone who’s recently settled into a new home will tell you that even moving from one borough to another can be daunting. So don’t be surprised if two of New York’s most beloved public figures soon ask for help lugging boxes. Thursday morning brought official word from the CBS-MLB conglomerate Base Humor Ltd: New York Yankees veteran Derek Jeter and retiring late night talk show icon David Letterman will trade jobs shortly. Mr. Letterman will take over as […]
Dear Travis, I’m a small business owner hoping to inspire my staff. Any words of wisdom sure to set your generation’s nimble minds aglow? Dr. Python Felt Denton, TX Travis Robley, Wistful State University: People doubted us. Ultimately we wanted it more, but they’re so competitive that they were in it to the end. All employees want to feel that their input is heard and appreciated. Maybe organize an outdoor retreat once spring has sprung. Can’t forget to thank my […]
Checkers: 5,000 Years of Blood, Concussions, and Mayhem by T. Thaddeus Muffintop (March 11; Piddle & Sons, $24.95) Once thought a light-hearted romp of jumping and “Crowning”, the game of Checkers has in recent years revealed a dark side. T. Thaddeus Muffintop (of the popular Grantland column “Butterscotch-Fueled Outrage”) goes undercover to reveal a underground culture within professional Checkers, rife with brutal thumb violence, narcotics inhaled off game boards, and one elite player’s deadly addiction to that other Checkers: the […]
Good afternoon. My fellow countrymen, members of the impotent press, and assorted farm cattle abandoned at this press conference: I have something important to tell y’all, and I’m pretty nervous, so I’m just gonna say this, because I love you guys, just as I love everyone obeying my laws.