I. THE RACCOON When I read lists of Bests and Favorites and What Assertively Was, I think of a line from William Blake, who did not release any new work in 2015. Of Jesus Christ, Blake proclaimed: “He is the only God. And so am I. And so are you.” Books don’t survive in the petri dish. They live in the context of where we are spatially and consciously. To read is to search: it seems an inherently hopeful act. […]
Winning isn’t everything: it’s anything. Winning is whatever you want it to be, and that’s what makes it so good. You want it to be one of those post-game gumball-eyed ice cream bars with the gauzy melting heads shaped like the cartoon turtles? Be my guest. It won’t be me suckling Michelangelo’s ugly mug. My night’s only trophies will be enjoyed much later tonight, at the quarry, in my car: the remainder of a day-old roach and some graph paper […]
It bothers me a lot that you want to broadcast that you’re associating with racist billionaires. For what cavalcade of reasons? To begin: you’re probably better than this. You are, after all, an “artist, lover, writer, chef, poet, stylist, and philanthropist.” These are gigs that seemingly no one in world history has managed to balance. Most chefs are lousy lovers, unless your idea of passion is a sweaty Vivance addict who smells like lamb entrails withering on top of you […]
MANHATTAN – Anyone who’s recently settled into a new home will tell you that even moving from one borough to another can be daunting. So don’t be surprised if two of New York’s most beloved public figures soon ask for help lugging boxes. Thursday morning brought official word from the CBS-MLB conglomerate Base Humor Ltd: New York Yankees veteran Derek Jeter and retiring late night talk show icon David Letterman will trade jobs shortly. Mr. Letterman will take over as […]
Dear Travis, I’m a small business owner hoping to inspire my staff. Any words of wisdom sure to set your generation’s nimble minds aglow? Dr. Python Felt Denton, TX Travis Robley, Wistful State University: People doubted us. Ultimately we wanted it more, but they’re so competitive that they were in it to the end. All employees want to feel that their input is heard and appreciated. Maybe organize an outdoor retreat once spring has sprung. Can’t forget to thank my […]
Phil Jackson: Knicks bound. The Zen Master, soon tested by L train delays.
Checkers: 5,000 Years of Blood, Concussions, and Mayhem by T. Thaddeus Muffintop (March 11; Piddle & Sons, $24.95) Once thought a light-hearted romp of jumping and “Crowning”, the game of Checkers has in recent years revealed a dark side. T. Thaddeus Muffintop (of the popular Grantland column “Butterscotch-Fueled Outrage”) goes undercover to reveal a underground culture within professional Checkers, rife with brutal thumb violence, narcotics inhaled off game boards, and one elite player’s deadly addiction to that other Checkers: the […]
Good afternoon. My fellow countrymen, members of the impotent press, and assorted farm cattle abandoned at this press conference: I have something important to tell y’all, and I’m pretty nervous, so I’m just gonna say this, because I love you guys, just as I love everyone obeying my laws.