It’s autumn in America, the recognized center of our universe. With the change in season comes the opportunity to stargaze in a sweater, contemplate one’s place in the galaxy, and chart which Major League Baseball team in playoff contention best suits your astrological sign. But why think when I can think for you?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) – Devotion to the city you grew up in pales when compared to the loyalties one can and should feel to cryptic outer space myths. Whether you the fabled grew up in Schenectady, Fort Lauderdale, or Butte, Montana, the team best suited for Capricorns this postseason are the Cincinnati Reds. One of two teams playing Tuesday for the National League Wild Card, this is a crew built on Capricorn-style determination and work ethic, from gents with old school names like Joey, Hoover, Homer, Corky, and Shin-Soo. Diligence notwithstanding, an added likeness to Capricorns comes in how many of the Reds look like goats, the animal associated with your sign. Bad goatees and filthy, gelled up tufts never looked so cosmically good.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) – At once coveting the affection of others via teamwork while also enjoying their fair share of the spotlight, the technicolor freak show that is city of Los Angeles is best suited to represent the Age of Aquarius, and the Los Angeles Dodgers the team that suits you! Your penchant for philanthropy is no doubt what reptilian oaf Frank McCourt had in mind when the former General Manager collected over $2 billion in his 2012 sale of the team. The City of Angels’ orphans will have only the best gruel this postseason. Kudos, Mr. McCourt, and double kudos to you, Aquari!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Pisces are not only sea creatures of the astrological kingdom – a la the former “Devil Rays” – they are also its hippies. Like the stars of the Tampa Bay Rays (Evan Longoria, Ben Zobrist, Wil Myers), Pisces are sensitive specimen as likely to physically resemble Phish as they do spiritually resemble fish. Check out tonight’s AL Wild Card game to root for the Rays, provided they don’t get too zooted on their magic freedom cigarettes to take the field.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) – As a born leader and natural executive, you should cheer the leaders of the pack, and celebrate the status of obscenely wealthy ownership. You, Aries, are one with the Boston Red Sox. A frontrunner for World Series contention, the Sox have defied the drunken fried chicken Xbox sessions of their troubled recent years in favor of a lean and mean, Bobby Valentineless team with all the daring, lively energy of the Aries ram. Your confidence and impulsive streak are sure to take the Sox far, or at the very least procure you an adequate one night stand on the Fenway’s fabled walk-of-shame ready streets.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – A squad of loose ends left for dead upon the Titanic of free agency (Bartolo Colon, Grant Balfour, Coco Crisp, and Chris Young to name but a few), the Oakland Athletics of today display the surprisingly calm and cool approach we equate with the Taurus bull. With a threadbare payroll, caution is the butter and persistence the bread. GM Billy Beane is too old to throw tantrums or Gatorade buckets nowadays, and to do so would seem forced after we all already saw Brad Pitt do it while portraying Beane in the hit film Precious.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21) – Were you aware, Gemini, that your sign is the one equated with excellence in sports? Surely you’re aware that the best team out there going into the postseason, in record and momentum alike, are those old iron horses the St. Louis Cardinals? And that renowned twin comedians the Sklar Brothers are lifelong Cards fanatics? Hot mama, what are the odds? Relatively decent and fairly malleable according to the hazy approach taken by all of Western astrology, you say? Shut your two mouths, you adorable Gemini twinsies!
Cancer (June 22 – July 22) – As a Cancer, you’re a master of empathy. And highly sensual, much like ruggedly cheekboned sluggers Nick Swisher, Carlos Santana, and skipper Terry Francona, who looks a bit like Mr. Peanut sans monocle. The natural nurturers of the long-suffering Cleveland Indians wait in the wings to face the winner of tonight’s AL Wild Card tiebreaker, and are bound to kiss the boo-boos of whichever team falters. That’s their Cancer nature, and that’s good sportsmanship. What I’m driving at here is that it’s always admirable to kiss your opponent at game’s end.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Fierce tenacity is Leo’s game: everyone’s scared you’re tear them limb from limb, and that you know just the abandoned meth den to carry out such actions. You the imposing Leo are the Detroit Tigers (not to be confused with football’s Detroit Lions – did I just blow your mind?) Your keen sense of timing may result in a flourish of offense from dinger-smiths Miguel Cabrera and Prince Fielder when you face dynamic Oakland in an upcoming Division Series, and the scowling bastard face of your awesome manager Jim Leyland is hands-down the most like that of Leo’s large, majestic feline.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – Virgo’s celestial representative is the Virgin, and with it come a thousand tasteless and obvious zingers about sex. You’re better than that, Virgo: stop taking the verbally easy way out and get your life together. The Pittsburgh Pirates have not tasted playoff glory since 1992, making the act of reaching the big dance a kind of coronation in itself. A little known fact seals the deal: believe it or not, Pirates starting pitcher A.J. Burnett is in fact allergic to intercourse. Who would have guessed it? The Gods Themselves, that’s who!
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Represented by the Scales (in reference to your pursuit of balance, equity, and fairness), you Libras are the only star sign not depicted as an animal. In turn, you are the only sign not matched up here by a baseball team. Rather, you are represented by fellow Libra, amateur astrologer, and semi-professional fake sportswriter Nick Curley. Bet the wife and farm on me, Libra: rest assured, this kid is going places. And I’m that kid!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Your passion is both your strength and weakness, Scorpio. You know you’re driven and will stop at nothing to get what you want, so much so that causes you to keep secrets and hide the true sources of your power from those that you know you best. Sound like anyone you know, front office of the Performance Enhancing Drug-addled Texas Rangers? With your bang-up hitter Nelson Cruz reactivated for the playoffs after a fifty-game suspension, you may have what it takes to topple the Rays in your first postseason challenge. Just make sure your penchant for overkill and thirst for needle drugs doesn’t cause you to grow violently irrational too early. Save that rage for the batter’s box, you sly devils!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – You share a sign with beloved pop stars Taylor Swift, Mark Twain, and Nicki Minaj. But is a run at the Championship in your future, Sag? Better ask your team of choice, the Atlanta Braves. The league’s best closer Craig Kimbrel has been lights out, but does he have the stamina of your spirit animal, the Centaur? Sagittarius-style confidence and good fortune have been Braves hallmarks since the days of Maddux and Glavine. Upbeat and good with people, you’re not unlike borderline Scorpio/Sagittarius Ted Turner, the hometown mogul who once owned the Braves, and who like any true centaur is an alleged horse below the waist. Whatever the playoff outcome, they’ll never be able to take away your muscled rump and strong legs, Sagittarius. Neigh, Sagittarius. Who’s a marvelous creature? You are. Yes you are. Good, Sagittarius. Neigh. Good.