The guiding principle of Six Ridiculous Questions is that life is filled with ridiculousness. And questions. That only by giving in to these truths may we hope to slip the surly bonds of reality and attain the higher consciousness we all crave. (Eh, not really, but it sounded good there for a minute.) It’s just. Who knows? The ridiculousness and question bits, I guess. Why six? Assonance, baby, assonance.
1. Most offensive: Misusing a bidet, wearing white after Labor Day, or serving red wine with fish?
Misusing a bidet is just plain cruel. I think people should wear white whenever they like. Red wine and fish are good friends.
What if someone did all three simultaneously, would that be offensive? And, if it’s not, can you think of three polite actions that if done simultaneously would be incredibly rude? What would they be? And would you do them? Or, rather, knowing how polite you are, how much money would you have to be paid to do them?
If someone did all three, I would probably fall in love with them. I would probably fall in love with anyone though. If I could pick three annoying things though it would be pick at their fingernails, pick at their toenails, and eat their toenails. I would suffer all three for money though. I would suffer any annoyance for cash, I guess. I am a writer so also poor.
2. What’s the least successful product McDonald’s could produce that you would secretly love, the McWhat? Discuss.
The McCreme Brulee Salad. Sometimes I like to eat appetizers and dessert together.
Wow, that sounds horrible, The McCreme Brulee Salad, I mean. The idea of apps and desserts working in combo has a certain allure. What would your dream meal be?
I would like a lot of oysters, followed by barbeque, followed by a shared dessert, followed by hand-holding with strangers that have obviously bad intentions.
3. What would life be like as a Q-Tip?
Please tell me someone is actually hiring for this gig. My CV is perfect for it. I think life would be warm stuffed inside someone’s ear canal, rocking back and forth lightly in wax. Plus, because there are two ends to a Q-Tip, it would be almost like having two lives.
The Two Lives of Dexter Q-Tip, A Timmy Reed Original? That could work, I think. As to whether anyone is hiring, I don’t think so, but I wonder if anyone would pay for a story about an employment agency for Q-Tips? I mean, would there just be other Q-Tips working there, doing office work, recruiting and whatnot? Or would the agency be staffed by humans or cotton balls or sheets of Kleenex? And, I mean, if I were a Q-Tip who went into an office looking for a job, I’m not sure I’d have much confidence in a Q-Tip that didn’t look like they’d seen any action. I’m starting to get confused, so my question is this how would you go about staffing a recruiting agency for Q-Tips?
I would only take the freshest employees that have close friends or family whom have died “in ear”. I am not sure if Q-Tip is a great gig but I have had many jobs – often at once – and it sounds solid enough. At least you are reliable, although maybe not well-paid? Fuzzy for sure.
4. Say you were god for a day, like a literal day, not a biblical figurative day but a regular twenty-four-hour Earth day, what would you do?
I would do it on a Sunday when God mostly just gets to rest. I think I would probably be afraid to make any drastic changes. You can’t please everyone, even – or especially – if you are a god. I would rather be a Q-Tip. I feel like a Q-Tip would have a stronger sense of purpose than a god. A Q-Tip is on a mission.
5. If you were hanging out in front of a 7-11 and an evil wizard pulled up in his Dodge Charger, got out and, said he was going to turn you into a cartoon character, but was willing to allow you to lobby for your desired result—OK, I guess he’s not the epitome of evil, but he’s still really bad (permanently arched brows, a truly disconcerting beard, perhaps a demonic familiar or an ill-tempered cat, and the Charger, obviously)—which character would you choose?
Danger Mouse. I am not sure whether the wizard is evil or not would matter much to me.
I love Danger Mouse, too. I always felt like he was lacking in signature nemeses, though. I mean, obviously, there’s Baron Greenback who’s excellent and singular but none of the others really stick with me. So, like, if you, Timmy Reed, were helming a Danger Mouse reboot, what sort of villains and storylines would you come up with and would you make a heap of money or wind up in rerun folklore after one season? Oh, and how would you update Baron Greenback? He’s very Seventies, perhaps even moreso than DM although that’s a tall order. Actually, how would you update DM, too?
Tough one. I would fight against Baltimore City Police of course and their Commish would be Greenback’s grandson or whatever. Step-Grandson maybe. Something like that.
Otherwise, I would be Grendel fighting against some human hero like Beowulf. That is how I usually relate to mankind. Professional monster for life over here.
6. Is anyone sane? I mean, really?
Either no one is sane or just I am totally crazy. Permanently on the fence about this one. What if we are all sane but sanity just isn’t all that it is cracked up to be?
Timmy Reed is a writer, teacher, and native of Baltimore, Maryland. Timmy is the author of the books Tell God I Don’t Exist, The Ghosts That Surrounded Them, Miraculous Fauna, Star Backwards, IRL, and Kill Me Now. In 2015, he won the Baker Artist Awards Semmes G. Walsh Award. He was again a finalist for the Baker Artist Awards in 2018. He teaches English in Baltimore and is represented by Madison Smartt Bell at Pande Literary Agency.
Kurt Baumeister has written for Salon, Electric Literature, Guernica, The Weeklings, Entropy, The Nervous Breakdown, The Rumpus, The Good Men Project, and others. His debut novel, a satirical thriller entitled Pax Americana, was published by Stalking Horse Press in 2017. He is currently at work on a novel, The Book of Loki, and a hybrid collection of fiction, nonfiction, and poetry entitled Superman, the Seven Gods of Death, and the Need for Clean, Romantic Poetry. Find him on Facebook, Twitter, or at www.kurtbaumeister.com.