The guiding principle of Six Ridiculous Questions is that life is filled with ridiculousness. And questions. That only by giving in to these truths may we hope to slip the surly bonds of reality and attain the higher consciousness we all crave. (Eh, not really, but it sounded good there for a minute.) It’s just. Who knows? The ridiculousness and question bits, I guess. Why six? Assonance, baby, assonance.
1. Who is your favorite supervillain? Why?
Lex Luthor always looked like he was operating with some type of robotic clamor, furiously spinning cryptic dials while flexing his birdlike bones. I imagine that Lex Luthor would have access to some of NYC’s wildest nightspots. He was great at weapons handling.
So, basically, you like Luthor because you see him as a bit of a player? When you imagine Luthor are you imagining a cartoon or Jesse Eisenberg, because I sort of have a hard time imagining Jesse Eisenberg as a player? Unless he’s a cartoon player. Wait, is Jesse Eisenberg actually a cartoon player? That could explain a lot.
I actually imagine him as Gene Hackman from the 1970s Superman movies. I’m not sure about Jesse Eisenberg, he always comes across as a bit of a sociopath. I imagine he likes to sniff books after he has purchased them or something like that.
Uh oh. So, liking new book smell is a symptom of sociopathy?
Are there other lesser known symptoms of sociopathy you’re willing to share with us? Could be beneficial. I have a feeling there might be a sociopath or two in our audience. Or involved in this interview. Probably both.
I’m pretty sure that being a sexual deviant, being a compulsive liar, as well as being sensitive to criticism are all traits of a highly-functioning sociopath. But they’re not lesser known, to me lesser known traits would be wearing a hat indoors, drawing beautiful illustrations while trying to possess a sound intellect. It’s all there in Scientific American. Habitual intoxication is probably another trait. Peculiar opinions … incoherent notions, that sort of stuff. Talking primarily in rude phrases, perhaps a mischievous disposition.
2. If you had to go through life as a cartoon dog, who would you choose? Why?
Mutley from Wacky Races. I’m pretty sure that Mutley was an FBI agent, or at least knew, or was friendly with FBI agents. Pretty sure Mutley had a codename or something. Pretty sure he was also a chest fetishist. His desperate struggle to be a dirty dog.
That’s…wow, I’d never thought of any of that. An FBI agent, huh? I wonder if we could convince the Make America Great Again crowd that Mutley is a member of the Deep State, that he’s some sort of major threat. Like, maybe we could distract them with Mutley as a sort of cartoonish shiny object…Oh, wait, you’re Mutley now. Sorry. How would you feel about being hunted by red-necked red-hat-wearing nitwits? What would you do?
Dog or no dog, being hunted by anyone wearing a red hat is obscene. MAGA is the synthesis of our mechanical destiny. There’s dark matter, spongy stuff and a black abyss … Mutley is all of them.
3. Is there a difference between Manifest Destiny and Survival of the Fittest? What is it?
I’m pretty sure that in 2012, Gap never had to pull a ‘Survival of the Fittest’ t-shirt from its shelves following complaints.
4. If you were forced to spend ten years as Sting’s indentured servant what would you do? Discuss.
Fuck yes. Sting is the worst. His songs feel like a sales pitch for cruel indignities and hot sweat. It’s disgusting. I’m not sure I could stomach Sting’s perfume vapor, he looks like some massive tender organ.
5. Say you were trapped in a remake of Dances with Wolves with no way out, what would you do?
Visit the sex shops and dance floor. Probably smash a massive hole in my brain. Instigate political unrest. Clean the toilet stall. Make travel plans to Honduras. Possibly San Pedro.
There were sex shops in Dances with Wolves. Hold up, is there another Dances with Wolves I haven’t see yet? I’m not sure I could take it but I’m asking anyway. It sounds like a hell of a fucking place.
There’s sex shops everywhere. Check the statistical data on that shit. It’s big data, baby. You need to devote all your processing resources to this task. There’s a gentle weightlessness to Kevin Costner’s politics. It’s like he lives in a hydroxyapatite grotesque chamber. He leaves me with a microscopic chill.
Are there other celebrities that leave you with microscopic feelings, aside from Costner and your (I assume) microscopic revulsion to Eau de Sting? Elaborate, please.
Oh, where do I start? Probably start with any of those celebrities who end up on those, “are really nice in real life” lists. They’re just electronic cyborgs with red eyes for membranes and handguns. They really need to stop with the prayer groups and photo opportunities. They need more Dianetics. Aerobics, meat products…
6. What if god was one of us?
Then there would be a desperate struggle to infiltrate my CPU. Probably some steam pressure involved as well.
Good answer. And by good answer I’m not entirely sure I know what you are talking about. Can you explain this a bit? Please do it ridiculously, though.
Mark 8:22-26. “I see people, but they look like trees, walking.”
Shane Jesse Christmass is the author of the novels, Belfie Hell (Inside the Castle, 2018), Yeezus In Furs (Dostoyevsky Wannabe, 2018), Napalm Recipe: Volume One (Dostoyevsky Wannabe, 2017), Police Force As A Corrupt Breeze (Dostoyevsky Wannabe, 2016) and Acid Shottas (The Ledatape Organisation, 2014). He was a member of the band Mattress Grave, and is currently a member in Snake Milker. An archive of his writing/artwork/music can be found at www.shanejessechristmass.tumblr.com.
Kurt Baumeister has written for Salon, Electric Literature, Guernica, The Rumpus, The Nervous Breakdown, Rain Taxi, The Good Men Project, Entropy, Volume 1 Brooklyn, and others. A Contributing Editor with The Weeklings, Baumeister reviews books for The Nervous Breakdown (where his Review Microbrew column is currently on hiatus). He also curates the Under the Influence feature for Entropy and conducts the Six Ridiculous Questions interview series for Volume 1 Brooklyn. A graduate of Emerson’s MFA program, his debut novel, a satirical thriller entitled Pax Americana, was published by Stalking Horse Press in 2017. He is currently at work on a novel, The Book of Loki, and a hybrid collection of fiction, nonfiction, and poetry entitled Superman, the Seven Gods of Death, and the Need for Clean, Romantic Poetry. Find him on Facebook, Twitter, or at www.kurtbaumeister.com.